The woman is driving me nuts.
When we first got married, my new husband forgot my daughters birthdays. I said something to his mom and her reply to me was "well, they are not his real children, so I don't see that he is required to get them anything at all. they have a real dad for that." (never mind the fact that their "real dad" wasnt in their life at that time)...
Issue #2, every time I planned a family event at my home she has either called everyone behind my back and moved it to her home, or changed the location--this includes a birthday dinner I tried to plan for my husband and my step-daughters college graduation party.
Issue #3. Last week.
Her 70th birthday happens to be on Thanksgiving. So does my dads #78. She is in good health. My father is not. She had a birthday party on Saturday, which we all attended. We spend last Thanksgiving AND Christmas at her house. This Thanksgiving was the year to have it at my parents and she has known that since last years. But, I was told by her that I ruined her birthday by not allowing my husband to come to her home to celebrate her birthday. Hello? She already had her party, how many celebrations does she need? She further told me I was a nonsupportive wife to not let my husband come to holidays at her home. Since we have been married, we have spent 1 Thanksgiving and 1 Christmas with my family. All others have been at her house (she would not let me have it at my house), and also she has had Easter.
She was yelling at me on the phone. So I said it sounds like you are saying my family doesn't matter. She screamed back at me "they don't".
I also explained that my girls were spending (court ordered) 4 hours with their father that day, and it was a 2 hour drive there and back. Their father lives in the same area as my family, so besides it being their turn, my dads birthday, was also the fact we couldn't be 2 places at one time. She told me she didn't care about my kids or my family.
I hung up on her. That was Saturday, and I have not heard from her since.
Thanks. I feel better now!
Mother in law issues my RANT
December 1st, 2008 at 09:42 pm
December 1st, 2008 at 09:58 pm 1228168739
sorry you have to endure all that!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1228169036
December 1st, 2008 at 10:07 pm 1228169235
Once she started to get that attitude, I would have pobably said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I will not be spoken to in this manner." And hung up the phone.
One of my first job was working at a private bank. We would get these people calling in that would just start yelling at us and demanding things. My boss at the time said to just politely dismiss them.
In my career, I have had to deal with many unreasonable people yelling at me or throw things at me in a conference room. And each time I went back to what my first boss said and basically said I will not tolerate this behavior and walked out.
Good luck.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:14 pm 1228169657
Between us, my husband and I have five children--all from previous marriages--and nine grandchildren. We also have five siblings, with sibling-in-laws and 12-15 nieces/nephews. THEN, we also have raised a dozen more children--two of these kids lived with us for ten years and are considered our "kids"! Our solution to the madness of the holidays? We HOST every year! We invite EVERYONE--the in-laws, the out-laws, and everything between! This was the only sane answer to the dilemna of "running around like chickens with our heads cut off"--trying to make sure we got the kids to their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My husband is a gracious host and, although hosting the get-togethers is lots of work, it's wonderful knowing the furthest I'm going for the holidays is my kitchen! And, for those inquiring minds who want to know, we DO invite the exes and their new families and their old families, too! May not be for everyone, but this works for our family!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:22 pm 1228170122
Then I was supposed to have Thanksgiving last year. She did the same thing. Told everyone it wasn't going to work at my place and she had it instead. Later I found out from those she had called that she gave them the impression I told her I was unable to handle it.
She is a control freak. Always has been and has a reputation for it.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:29 pm 1228170556
I am sorry you have to deal with this. Can't you get your DH involved? Sounds to me like HE should deal with HIS relatives regarding where and when your family will be available for get togethers. My MIL was a demon on wheels for years and I took things personally. Then I had kids of my own, and it was a lot easier to ignore her. Now DH deals with his parents. What does your DH say about this?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:42 pm 1228171352
His comment was, "you know how she can be"...
Next time (and I am sure there will be one) I am going to use the approach merch suggested and hang up. Or, the one a friend of mine suggested: "Isn't your language and manner rather degratting to be coming from a church leader and Sunday School teacher??"
Basically, she was throwing a selfish fit because we were not at her house for her birthday, and she does not have her gift yet. (I never mentioned I have never gotten a birthday gift from her-nor do I want one from her).
December 1st, 2008 at 10:49 pm 1228171748
December 1st, 2008 at 11:19 pm 1228173593
December 1st, 2008 at 11:20 pm 1228173605
December 1st, 2008 at 11:51 pm 1228175487
DH should handle her, as you said he will. She's already dismissed your importance, but coming from him I hope it stings.
Sorry you're having a hard time with her. I hope things change soon.
December 2nd, 2008 at 02:25 am 1228184743
December 2nd, 2008 at 03:18 am 1228187917
Your DH should stand up for you, your children, and your family. Your DH may not be their biological father but nonetheless, he is their step-father, and your family is now his family.
December 2nd, 2008 at 03:28 am 1228188526
December 2nd, 2008 at 05:25 am 1228195542
December 2nd, 2008 at 05:42 am 1228196578
Is your husband an only child? I can't figure out how no one else in the family talked to you about the new location of the various get-togethers, unless they are all just so used to her getting her way.
December 2nd, 2008 at 08:29 am 1228206575
although... i do feel sorry for my BF... but atleast when she is being a ... not-nice-person... (read, b****) i will definately be the one telling her to clamp it shut!
December 3rd, 2008 at 02:54 am 1228272857
December 3rd, 2008 at 02:03 pm 1228312985
I also agree that your DH should deal with his family. That was the first big step in fixing our particular situation with his mother. When we first got married, I think I had some romanticized ideal that we were all suppose to get along and be friends. Later I realized that I married DH, not his family, and if they didn't treat me with due respect, then I wasn't just going to play along. I remember angrily telling DH at one point to "Curb your mother, please."
Over time MIL has settled down tremendously. We get along great now, and I know the reason is that I just won't stoop to her level, and she knows it so won't even try.
Honestly, if I were you and MIL was on the phone ranting, I would calmly tell her that I will not talk to her unless she can be calm and reasonable. But then, rather than hanging up the phone, I would set the receiver down on a thick towel. That way she can continue her verbal rampage to herself until she comes to the conclusion that no one is listening or cares. The click of being hung up on is so much more satisfying for someone like her.
December 3rd, 2008 at 05:05 pm 1228323958
Unfortuantely, she's part of your life becus you're married to her son, but really, if he's aware of her behavior, he should tell her he expects her to treat his wife with respect. If he doesn't say anything, she will interpret that as condoning her bad behavior.
December 4th, 2008 at 02:18 am 1228357087
December 4th, 2008 at 05:17 am 1228367859
The hub and I figured out our own plan and I never purposely put myself back in the situation again. Sadly, she has since passed on from a very quick bout with cancer.
My very best wishes to you as you work through it with your family.
December 4th, 2008 at 08:11 pm 1228421506
no matter what you do she wont be happy so why try?
not the same but my Neice contacted me wanting to rent a house I own ,I said no, she got ticked at me but who cares? she would have trashed my house not paid rent and then been mad at me anyway I just cut out all the bad stuff for me the end result is the same.
send Dh to all his family functions alone ;-)
if you plan a party call everyone and reafirm that the party is at your home and will not be moved ;-)
I must say never heard of someone stealing someones party like that
big hugs to you ;-)
December 4th, 2008 at 11:32 pm 1228433527
December 5th, 2008 at 01:47 am 1228441625
I think it is odd that she only makes comments when only she and I are in the room, or on the phone only after she will ask to speak to my DH and I tell her he isn't there. She wants no witnesses.
I will no longer take her phone calls--unless I do so with DH sitting so close to me he can hear her--then if she goes off I will hand him the phone.
December 9th, 2008 at 04:49 pm 1228841352
Now that I know what sort of person she really is, I will not be spending time at her home, taking her phone calls....I am severing my ties with her.
December 9th, 2008 at 09:14 pm 1228857240
Good luck--it's a tough position to be in.
December 9th, 2008 at 09:21 pm 1228857714
If the "killing her with kindness" doesn't work, the butter will.
Either way you win.
December 11th, 2008 at 04:56 pm 1229014613
Sometime you should watch the movie "Monster In Law" it has Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez. I gotta be honest, my future MIL is pretty decent, but sometimes I just want to run home to my own mommy.
December 11th, 2008 at 07:23 pm 1229023401
I am not a hurtful or confrontational person by nature. I do admit I am shy. I have been hurt terribly by this type of emotional abuse my whole life. I got free of it when I was about 18 and started living my own life. My husband didn't. We still live about 20-25 miles from his mother and it has been living hell for me the last almost three decades that we have been together. My husband is finally, after me getting so p---ssed off that I threatened to leave him, starting to see things and talk to his mother, but I just don't see things changing afetr all this time. I guess I just need to hear that I am not alone and I am not crazy... becuase this type of passive-aggresive behavior makes you think you are nuts! They will deliberately try to embarress, humiliate and degrade you and then come back and turn it all around on you and say you are "too sensitive", they were "just joking", or my personal favorite that my husband says "she does that to everyone...I grew up with it."
Just need to hear I'm not crazy, please!!!!
December 11th, 2008 at 10:34 pm 1229034890
Can you suggest counseling to your husband?
Just because he grew up with it doesn't make it right.
Maybe we can introduce yours and mine and they can go at each other!!!
A friend emailed me a list of words that if you rearranged the letters is spelled something else. The last one on the list jumped out at me--mother in law rearranged is something like "woman hitler"
December 11th, 2008 at 11:15 pm 1229037345
Now after my husband has started having little "chats" with her, she is being all nicey-nice and kind of making it sound like I am unforgiving because I don't want to be around her anymore. I stopped going to family functions a few years ago and of course that caused a big stink. She will say things like "you don't have to be here"...real nice and sweet like she understands, but then behind my back she will start her crap again saying I'm being selfish and I "want to do everything with my family."
Excuse me....my husband I ARE family!!! Now like I said she's got somebody else abusing me too, saying the same things. Unbelievable! Thanks for your comments. Truly appreciated. : )
December 14th, 2008 at 12:44 am 1229215479
#1 We already have plans
#2 I won't be alone with her again, without my husband. This is just setting me up again. She ONLY makes her remarks on the phone or when we are there and my husband is not.
I am ignoring her message
December 16th, 2008 at 07:11 am 1229411495
December 21st, 2008 at 06:36 am 1229841360
In reality this gave me the excuse to be done and I think you should be too-- mean bitter people just arent worth the time. send your husband alone. Don't live your life spending time with a mean spiteful wench and regret not spending it with the people that count most....
December 26th, 2008 at 04:09 am 1230264552
December 28th, 2008 at 03:58 pm 1230479915
December 29th, 2008 at 12:41 am 1230511303
January 2nd, 2009 at 02:55 am 1230864951
Well, the people she said would be there don't even live here, and DH had just talked to one of them earlier on the phone and they arent coming till a day or two after her event. The other doesn't plan on coming at all. So basically, it would have just been her, me and the children.
These are the types of messages I have gotten from her in the past. Then I go, and no one is there and she denies she left me such a message.
Well, he heard this one, told me to ignore it, and he is just going to sit back and see what happens. Will she call me and jump on me for not going?? Probably. But, what she doesn't know is that he is not working that day and when she calls me, he will be here to hear the call.
DH is now wondering if she isn't being spiteful, but actually does have a mental or medical condition. Apprently she has now also made comments to one of her granddaughters that she later denied....Thing is, she is young-just turned like 69 or 70, and goes everywhere, trips, vacations, and isn't like this to her friends, so that makes me wonder if it is just meanness, or a huge control issue.
January 2nd, 2009 at 01:02 pm 1230901361
January 2nd, 2009 at 03:07 pm 1230908831
Also dementia. from what I understand, doesn't necessarily effect your physical health until it gets really, really bad.
January 2nd, 2009 at 04:21 pm 1230913310